We are faithless... until there’s nothin’ left to hold on to

We all thought about or planning to end our lives when we get frustrated, unsheltered, unloved and unsupported. Unfortunately, I was one of those people who actually planned about it. It was all because of exams. Stupid as it may sound but I had reasons. Selfish reasons. I thought that those pre-board exams was one of the last resorts of my own proving to become a Nurse. And then personal and family problems strucked me one by one before the results came.

Keeping the faith up was not one of my forte. I'm a lousy yet devout Catholic.

I turned to Him everynight after I read novels. I held my rosary while sitting in my bed. Praying with all my hardest might to pass. Holding every bead of it so tight. Like most of us, when the times were tough and the world within you persist to what you wanted to be, we hold on to our beliefs. We strive to asked Him too much. And yet we gave Him back less. What an unselfish God we have.

It's so remarkable how He pulled the strings and came to you in some ways so unbelievable. I was saved by some of my few friends. He, I think, made them instruments for me to be rescued. One from Visayas, one from the purple world and the other was a star of her own world.

And then the results came. I passed. And that's not it, I was also a candidate to attend the Commencement Exercises which was held last April 16.

Looking back nostalgically when I sat in my four poster bed, I realized that it wasn't my lesser faith in Him that bothered me in those seven years in college. It was, rather, my lesser faith in me that made me thought of that pathetic plan of ending one's life.

I guess, in life, seizing or refusing to believe in one's self first is one of the most dangerous acts of unfaithfulness.

Until we tumble we are faithless
Until our senses fail were faithless
Until we falter we are faithless
Until there’s nothin’ left to hold on to -Rivermaya